


careful fear and dead devotion

by TheBizarreHairTrio



Series: from terror, your devotion (sith master & apprentice, side a) [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Not Beta Read, i think??, it's definitely unhealthy and have abusive undertones, sith dynamics are very rarely healthy honestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:28:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26761360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBizarreHairTrio/pseuds/TheBizarreHairTrio
Summary: "You are scared," she observes, lifting her hand, and for a moment, he thinks she might comfort him, might reassure him, but—It's wishful thinking, and both her hands come down to clench his shoulders, touch bruising and poisonous. "Good," she says forcefully, maliciously pleased, and Zagan's hope dies a swift death in the face of her approval.
Series: from terror, your devotion (sith master & apprentice, side a) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1950007
Kudos: 1





	careful fear and dead devotion

**Author's Note:**

> i revel in the pain of my ocs

_ There's something to be said for loyalty born out of fear, out of obligation.  _

His master isn't needlessly cruel. She isn't always violent. It's only when he can't understand the lesson right away that her hand on his shoulder turns heavy, grip turning crushing until he fears the bone would snap. She always stops before it gets too far. 

He pretends it's because she doesn't really want to hurt him. (She doesn't want to waste bacta on him.)

Punishment for failure always hurts, but— but his master has high expectations. She believes in his potential. That's why she chose him. She's just disappointed he's not channeling that potential as efficiently as she wants him to, as he  _ should be. _

And Zagan— he  _ tries _ . He tries to live up to her expectations, does whatever she orders him to do. He's not  _ trying _ to fail, he's doing the best he can— 

It's not enough. (It's never enough.)

When she swings her lightsaber— she's not aiming specifically for him. She's just lashing out. She's not trying to hurt him beyond what's required for him to learn what she teaches. She  _ believes _ in him. Believes he can live up to the vision she has in store for him, the efficient apprentice who will shadow her every move. And he  _ wants _ to live up to her vision for him, wants to become the apprentice she requires, wants to make her  _ proud— _

He  ~~ fears ~~ respects her—

He's  ~~ scared ~~ in awe of her—

(His first memory of her is a hand outstretched, a lifeline when he was scared and alone, trembling amongst dead slaves and deader slavers. Master was gentle when he was used to pain, kind when he was used to cruelty; she gave him  _ hope,  _ a purpose, a reason to live for.

He wants to make her  _ proud,  _ to show her she wasn’t wrong to save him, to offer her hand to him, to offer him a life away from the pain he’s known. He wants to prove that she was right about his potential, about his usefulness to her.

He can't disappoint her.)

His master cares for him. His master  _ believes  _ in him. She's harsh, but he remembers the gentleness of the way she stroked his horns, when she carried him when he was too weak to stumble out of the wreckage of his old life, and he can't forget that. No matter what she does to him now, no matter how severe her treatment of him gets, he will always remember the gentleness of the beginning, when he was too frail to endure harsh treatment. He will never forget the kindness he’d be shown when he was weak.

His master isn't as gentle as she was at the beginning, but that's because he’s stronger now. He can take it. And she does it because she wants to make him  _ stronger.  _ Because she  _ cares.  _

His master cares for him. (He has to believe that, he has to cling to that, he can't stop believing because—

Because—

~~ —i'm scared i'm scared i'm scared— ~~

~~ —of this place— ~~

~~ —of  _ her— _ ~~

—he can't let himself think differently.)

He won't let her down,  _ can't.  _ His master expects greatness from him, and nothing less. If he can't fulfill her expectations—

( ~~ i don't want to be replaced— ~~ )

He can't think about that. He’s  _ trying.  _ He's not a failure. He does his best, and his master knows that. She understands.

( ~~ a dead apprentice is worth less than a useless one— ~~ )

She punishes him for his failures, but that's just his due. It's his penance, his repentance for his failure. It's  _ understandable.  _ It's  _ deserved.  _ He failed; of course she couldn't let that stand. She's  _ disappointed  _ in him because she believed in him, thought he could accomplish great things. 

He let her down. Any punishment given is fair.

(She hasn't killed him, surely she still believes in him? Surely she has faith in his abilities, even when he lets her down?

~~ Surely she cares? ~~ )

He doesn't  _ want  _ to disappoint her. He doesn't want to let her down. He's  _ trying.  _

(It's not enough. He wants it to be enough. 

~~ i want to make you proud— ~~ )

Failure won't always be an option.

("I can't," gasps Zagan, falling to his knees as the kyber crystal falls out of his hand. "Master,  _ please _ , I can't."

"You  _ can _ ," orders his master, laying a heavy hand on his shoulder. Zagan wants to flinch away, pull up his hood and hide his face, but he doesn't dare to. "You  _ will _ ," she insists, and a rush of fear floods his veins, turns him ice cold and shrinking. 

"You are scared," she observes, lifting her hand, and for a moment, he thinks she might comfort him, might reassure him, but—

It's wishful thinking, and both her hands come down to clench his shoulders, touch bruising and poisonous.  _ "Good," _ she says forcefully, maliciously pleased, and Zagan's hope dies a swift death in the face of her approval.)


End file.
